I was able to hold things together while Jaymee was alive, but afterwards, I fell into a deep, deep depression. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out. I had four other children, one of which was a baby, so that wasn’t possible to do. However, the life seemed drained out of me. I was numb and performed basic tasks by rote. I tried to smile, but it took too much effort to pretend I was okay.
Jaymee was only here for six short years. I remember her sweet smile and how she loved to make mud pies. Jaymee had a philosophy about life and it was to “just be happy in it”. Even after the cancer diagnosis, she was just “happy”. Surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments were just things to “get over”. Jaymee was pure sunshine! Even towards the end of her life, there was still a smile. Jaymee’s life ended and so did her pain. I was grateful. Suffering is so hard to watch. It was a hard journey for me. Not only did I suffer the loss of my child, my marriage failed too. I was in a dark place. I wrapped myself in an invisible blanket of cotton wool. The pain couldn’t get in, but neither could any love. Depression was painful and overwhelming. I took medication, saw a counselor, prayed a lot and worked hard to understand what had happened to me. Things got better very slowly, but it took over two years before I felt myself come out the other side. It was then that I began to smile again. Today is Jaymee’s birthday. Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet daughter! I miss you.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorDebra Wheeler is a retired educator of 30 years, teaching at community colleges and elementary schools in the United States, Germany and England. Debra works now as a Yoga Therapist and teacher, working with adults and children. She co-created and implemented a mindfulness program for elementary schools. Debra loves to listen to chamber orchestras and cathedral choirs, as well as playing classical piano music. She loves lilacs, sunflowers, blue skies, fresh air, mountains, and dancing in the rain. Family and friends are where her heart resides. Archives
April 2022
Categories |